The Journal of Severus Snape
by SamusOlderBrother
Summary: Ever wonder why Snape is such a bastard? Read his journal, beginning shortly after the fall of Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

I am not accustomed to writing down my thoughts. Albus Dumbledore told me that it might have a soothing effect on my grief. I did wait, however, until I could charm my journal for privacy.

I shall begin by admitting that I regret much of what I've done. I made many mistakes. I joined with the Dark Lord out of anger, of resentment, of revenge. The Swine and his miscreants made my life miserable at every turn and I did not do well under the stress. Given the choice to join the Dark Lord and learn more about the "Dark" Arts or attempting to ignore his rise to power… The choice was obvious.

Now that Lily is gone and her son is hidden, I'm stuck with apprenticing under Horace Slughorn. The man loved Lily as well and is helping me become an official Potions Master as he is set to retire at the end of the year.

I wanted to take over the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, but D⃫u⃫m⃫b⃫l⃫e⃫d⃫o⃫r⃫e⃫ Albus informed me that I should avoid suicidal actions until my grief passed. I find it difficult to imagine that the post is truly cursed, but I'm not the Headmaster and I'm lucky to have a job. Other Death Eaters were not so lucky.

Lucius, of course, turned himself in immediately after news of the Dark Lord's defeat circulated. I had thought him an opportunist, but clearly he prefers self-preservation. Nobody has tried to take up as the new Dark Lord. Not even that fanatic Lestrange is that mad. I hear she was caught recently, if the reports of Aurors at Saint Mungo's are at all accurate.

I do not look forward to teaching, but perhaps having something to do will be better.


	2. Chapter 2

December 25th, 1981

I spoke with Albus again this morning. He mentioned this journal and I told him I'd forgotten about it.

He handed me a Rememberall. I think he can read this, even through the privacy charms. Keep that in mind, Albus.

Horace signed off on my Potions Mastery, but he's had me stay in the castle to help him grade papers. I think Albus is at work there. It isn't safe for former Death Eaters, even ones he's personally cleared, to be out on the streets. I wonder if he's afraid I'll get myself killed.

In happier news, Sirius Black is in Azkaban. I didn't know he was a spy for the Dark Lord, but I don't care. He was as vile as The Swine. My only regret is that I couldn't curse him myself for betraying Lily and her son. Of course, I've cursed myself every day since I found out Lily was to be the target of the Dark Lord's wrath. But what I did in ignorance, Black did with full knowledge and intent.

I hope the Dementors kiss him.


	3. Chapter 3

January 1st, 1982

The first year Lily isn't here.

Not the first year that I haven't spoken to her, but the first year that all hope of ever reconciling is lost.

Now that the chance to speak with her is gone, I find myself looking back on the decisions I made. How could joining the Dark Lord have ended in any way other than her death? She was Muggleborn, not a half-blood like myself. The Dark Lord would have hunted her down regardless. I thought that perhaps I could take her in and shelter her. Be the hero to her. Win her from The Swine.

Foolish dreams. It's my fault she's dead.

I hope her son is well. Albus hasn't told anyone where he's keeping the boy. He's already famous and not even out of nappies. The papers are calling him "The-Boy-Who-Lived." I can't fathom why Albus told anyone what had happened. It would have made more sense to simply say that the Dark Lord was trapped and slain by clever wards and then bundle the boy off to some trusted ally.

Albus won't lie about it, even if it would protect the boy. How very _Gryffendor_.

I wonder if he'll take after Lily. I hope so. I miss her.


	4. Chapter 4

January 12th, 1982

I've spent nearly two weeks grading mid-year papers for Horace. I'm beginning to wonder if Azkaban might be less painful.

There are very few students who have any sort of talent for potions. Most have no understanding whatsoever of the ingredients. Several of them ought to be banned from cauldrons. There are a few, however, that seem able to grasp the importance of understanding how the ingredients mix. Crushing an ingredient will expedite how fast it incorporates into the mix, for example. Certain potions are more potent when the ingredients incorporate quickly. It leads to less time on the fire and less wasted magic.

But some of these imbeciles think just following the instructions is enough. No! You must learn to read between the lines of the recipe! You must know why the ingredient is sliced before added! How can these fools think that simply following the steps is enough to brew a potion?

Perhaps I should not judge them harshly. They are, after all, children. They are not my peers. Horace understands. He shares my view that many of them ought to be banned from the cauldron. But he shrugs when I suggest he do so and says, "To what end?"

It boggles my mind how he hasn't had any accidents.


	5. Chapter 5

January 17th, 1982

I hate Gryffendor.

One of the seventh years remembers when The Swine upended me and threw me into the Black Lake. Horace had to step out and the entire class began chanting, "Snivelus." I tried to keep to Horace's lesson plan, but none of them would listen. They just kept chanting.

I cursed the boy and the class went silent. His friends took him to Madam Pomfrey and the lesson went on without any further disruptions.

Albus asked me to aid Madam Pomfrey in undoing the curse after class was finished and then lectured me on keeping my cool. I'm supposed to keep control of the classroom, keep the dunderheads from killing everyone in the room, AND keep my cool all while teaching the most complicated subject in the school. I have no idea how I'm going to do this after Horace leaves.

I deeply regret my life choices.


	6. Chapter 6

January 31st, 1982

I haven't had a problem with any classes since I cursed that imbecile a few weeks ago. I'm considering doing something similar at the start of the school year. It should prove to the children that they oughtn't misbehave in my presence.

At the least, when I'm in charge of Slytherin I'll have to make sure that the students understand their place and mine. I will, of course, support them against the other houses. I recall what spoiled children can do when they think they can get away with it. The Swine used to get away with it.

Not on my watch! There won't be any bullying while I'm head of Slytherin.


End file.
